Rockingham Girls
A Rockingham girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies."This time it's mayonnaise."
 

Another Rockingham girl was involved in a serious crash, there's lood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok."

Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
 

A Rockingham girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the assessor.

"Ten" replies the Rockingham girl,

"Ten?"says the Centrelink worker.

"What are their names?"

"Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren
and Warren"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Rockingham girl.

"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout Warren, YER DINNER'S READY or Warren GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker.

"That's easy," says the Rockingham girl... "I just use their surnames"
 

A Rockingham girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says
"I'll take the red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."



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Deep Thoughts

Deep Thoughts

1. Why do pajamas have pockets?
2. Why do people sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they are already there?
3. Does anybody actually enjoy the music they hear when they're on "hold"?
4. Why is it called a hamburger when it is beef?
5. Why are they called apartments when they're all together?
6. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
7. How come permanents are temporary?
8. Before they invented golf balls, how did they measure hail?
9. Why aren't they called bakies instead of cookies?
10. Why isn't the word "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
11. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
12. Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime?
13. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
14. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
15. If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
16. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
17. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make the Teflon stick to the pan?
18. Since cats always land on their feet & buttered toast always lands butter-side down, what would happen if you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and tossed it?
19. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
20. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
21. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
22. Why is it cargo on a ship and a shipment in a car?
23. If the little indestructible black box is indestructible, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
24. Why is it that while you are driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
25. Will they let you buy anything specific at a general store?
26. Where do you park if you work at a fire hydrant factory?
27. When will they make a decaffeinated coffee table?
28. What is another word for thesaurus?
29. What did cured ham have before it was cured?
30. What is an occasional table when it is not a table?
31. Why is abbreviated such a long word?
32. If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
33. Do vegetarians ever eat animal crackers?
34. Why do women open their mouths when they put on mascara?
35. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
36. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
37. If police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has a right to remain silent?
38. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
39. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
40. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
41. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
42. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
43. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
44. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
45. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
46. When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
47. Why do they call it a TV Set when you only get one?
48. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
49. What happens if you can't remember where you planted your forget-me-nots?
50. What does a compass do at the North Pole?
51. How do they get deer to cross the roads at those yellow signs?
52. Why do they call it "raising" a building when they tear it down?
53. When an alarm sounds, why do we say it goes "off"?
54. Why do elevators go down?
55. Why is quicksand so slow?
56. Why do packages of circus peanuts include nutritional facts?
57. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
58. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have Chapter 11?
59. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
60. Where are Preparations A-G?
61. If knees bent backwards, what would chairs look like?
62. When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
63. How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
64. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
65. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
66. Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
67. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
68. Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
69. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
70. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
71. Why do light switches say on/off? When it is on you can see it is on and when it is off you can't see to read?
72. Does a goose get people bumps?
73. Who invented the dickey? And Why?
74. Why do they call it evaporated milk if it's still there when you open the can?
75. Who decides it's "I" before "E" except after "C"?
76. Why do umpires always turn around to sweep off home plate?
77. If we smoke in smoking jackets, and we sleep in sleeping bags, what do we do in wind breakers?

Politically Correct About Men

Politically Correct About Men

1. He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

3. He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

4. He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

5. He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

6. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

7. He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

8. He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

9. He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

10. He does not constantly talk about cars; HE HAS A VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

11. He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

12. He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

13. He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

14. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY

Seriously For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1.) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2.) A day without sunshine is like, night.

3.) On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4.) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5.) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6.) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7.) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8.) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9.) I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10.) Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11.) Remember half the people you know are below average.

12.) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13.) Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

14.) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

15.) He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16.) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17.) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19.) I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20.) I intend to live forever - so far so good.

21.) Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

22.) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

23.) My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

24.) Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

25.) The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

26.) Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

27.) When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

28.) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

29.) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30.) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31.) For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

32.) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

33.) Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

34.) No one is listening until you make a mistake.

35.) Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

36.) The colder the x-ray tables the more of your body is required on it.

37.) The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

38.) The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

39.) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

40.) To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

41.) How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

42.) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

43.) Two wrongs are only the beginning.

44.) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

45.) The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

46.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

47.) Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

48.) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

49.) Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

50.) Get a new car for your wife... It'll be a great trade!

AirLine Flight Airline Fright?

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" ----- Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

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DO IT YOURSELF HIP-STICK PDF Print E-mail
Written by Ismael Jones   
Tuesday, 05 August 2008

This was sent to me to publish. At the bottom we describe our own Hip Stick that we made also but this can be followed also. The original inventor of this who sells them now commercially also published how he made it a few years back on one of the US Forums (can't remeber which). I haven't actually checked the spelling or grammer and is original on how I received the article so I apologise for any errors.
 

DIY HIPSTICK


I found the use of a Hip-stick very good and it took a lot of stress off my arm and resulted in me being able to detect for a longer period and with a lot more comfort. I was given a loan of one to try and loved it; I was prepared to get myself one. When I discovered the price I was absolutely shocked. The obvious step was to make my own and I was surprised to find how simple it is to do. Takes about an hour to knock up and there is nothing too technical about it. I thought I would share this DIY project with others who may also find satisfaction in making something for themselves. If you prefer to purchase one rather than make your own I think you will find many benefits in using such a devise when detecting. Good luck tinkering I hope I can keep this simple for you.

(Photo Above) Closest item to Camera is a commercially available product Ö$ lots. The next two items in picture are home made items Ö $ Bugger all.

What is the idea of a Hip-stick? Quite simply it is useful in minimizing the weight on the arm carrying the detector without restricting the side to side motion common with the use of a metal detector. Does it work? Yes very well.

 

How do you use it? The bulky or blunt end attaches to your belt (or harness belt) about level with your pointy hip bone or inline with the vertical center of your thigh. The pointy end, clips to the D ring on your harness (Where you would normally clip the detectors bungee cord) Your bungee cord then clips to the D ring on the Hip-stick. Make sure you do your bungee up tight enough that it just keeps the detector off the ground. This way when you slide you arm in the holder on your detector, the balance and control should be about perfect.What bits and pieces do you need to make it? (See photo below)

 

 

You may find bits and pieces around your shed that suit better; the above is what I had around to do the Job. (A man needs a shed)

 

The carbon shaft was purchased from an archery store (makes two hip-sticks) approx 10ml diameter. It is hollow so I placed a wall plug in the end before adding the ball / bead. Glue the wall plug in first then glue the ball on to the shaft.Pre drill ball first, be careful not to go right through (about half way).

 

Sit that aside now and let it dry/cure. I used a timber bead however a solid plastic ball would be ideal. The acorn curtain rod end seemed to be a good fit for the bead I had, so it became the socket. In the photo you will see a black texter mark Ö cut that nipple off. The other end is fluted so cut it off as well at the widest point which should be the shoulder of the acorn.

 

Get a piece of flat plastic about 5 inches long (I got a small bit from Bunningís) Mark it off in two sections Ö What I used was 5inch long 2inch wide and ľ thick. In other words put a line across it 2 inch from one end. This is where it will bend. Mark the center now of that 2inch square Ö you need to drill a hole there about 25 mm. (I used a splade for this) do this before bending or after itís no big deal. I did it after. Boil the jug and put some hot water in a mug, stand the plastic in the hot water to make bending a bit easier. Place the plastic in a vice and bend it on your mark. Be careful not to burn yourself and get the missus to make you a coffee while the kettle is hot :). Once it is bent into shape drop it in cold water. Make the hole now, glue in the ready cut acorn socket. Use plenty of Araldite underneath. The acorn socket should not be able to go through the hole. The picture below shows the finished socket and mount. (Sanded corners & painted)

 

See how the socket sits proud (important not to drill hole to large) the reason the tip or nipple has been cut off the acorn is so water and crap does not sit in the socket. In the photo you can see small holes drilled in what is now the back plate. My reason to do this is because I will use a string to stitch it to the harness belt. Also note here that a simple hair tie works to keep the shaft from wandering. (Thank you kids) Now the top section and you are almost done.

 

 

The clip and D ring can be purchased from any upholstery or camping shop, I got mine off an old airline bag that was hanging in the shed. (Phew, good thing I didnít throw that out last time the old girl made me clean up :)) The blue webbing came off a broken ratchet strap. You know them cheap tie down straps you get at Super-cheap. Or I guess you could get a bit from the camping store.

 

Putting a hole through it was the hardest part so I used the soldering iron. (hot) Before I actually put this on the stick I glued the second wall plug to that orange cap. I donít know what they came off but they were in the shed. I think they are some sort of

blank end for electrical wiring. Anyway Ö glue the wall plug and this cap together and let it cure. Once dry coat the exposed part of the wall plug with glue and slide it through the webbing and into the shaft. Using five minute araldite I was careful and made sure

the webbing never stuck fast. I allow the webbing to spin or move, so while it was curing I moved the webbing around a bit to make sure it was free. Underneath the webbing I just placed a few raps of tape so it does not work its way down the shaft. On the second effort I glued a hard plastic piece under the webbing for the same purpose and I think it works better. You would be wise to do the same. Well thatís it, Bobs your uncle Ö actually these days Bob could be your Aunty but lets not go there. I hope I havenít been to long winded for you, I guess the pictures may be self explanatory but hey, Iím just a Detecting nut.

 

Above photo: the two on the left are home made and the one on the right is a borrowed store bought Hip-stick. All work perfect.

Note: shaft may need to be longer if you are tall. Hope this helps with your detecting efforts. Good hunting.

Just as an addendum to this article we made our own following the information given on MSN-Goldetecting Forum. It looks similar to the one on the right and the bottom piece (Ball section) can be purchased from Bunnings and is used for carrying power tools on a belt. The shaft we bought from any camping store and is just a fibreglass tent support. A tip is to glue the fibreglass into the ball using Araldite or some other epoxy glue and then put your gear on and set the length of the pole to be just slightly (1-2") above the positon on your harness where you clip the bungee cord to the detector. Most of the above instructions can be followed for this Hip Stick and our toal price was around AUD$18.

Have fun, Ismael


Last Updated ( Wednesday, 06 August 2008 )
 
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