A Rockingham girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies."This time it's mayonnaise."
Another Rockingham girl was involved in a serious crash, there's lood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
A Rockingham girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Rockingham girl,
"Ten?"says the Centrelink worker.
"What are their names?"
"Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Rockingham girl.
"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout Warren, YER DINNER'S READY or Warren GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the Rockingham girl... "I just use their surnames"
A Rockingham girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says
"I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
1. Why do pajamas have pockets?
2. Why do people sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they are already there?
3. Does anybody actually enjoy the music they hear when they're on "hold"?
4. Why is it called a hamburger when it is beef?
5. Why are they called apartments when they're all together?
6. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
7. How come permanents are temporary?
8. Before they invented golf balls, how did they measure hail?
9. Why aren't they called bakies instead of cookies?
10. Why isn't the word "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
11. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
12. Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime?
13. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
14. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
15. If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
16. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
17. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make the Teflon stick to the pan?
18. Since cats always land on their feet & buttered toast always lands butter-side down, what would happen if you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and tossed it?
19. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
20. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
21. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
22. Why is it cargo on a ship and a shipment in a car?
23. If the little indestructible black box is indestructible, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
24. Why is it that while you are driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
25. Will they let you buy anything specific at a general store?
26. Where do you park if you work at a fire hydrant factory?
27. When will they make a decaffeinated coffee table?
28. What is another word for thesaurus?
29. What did cured ham have before it was cured?
30. What is an occasional table when it is not a table?
31. Why is abbreviated such a long word?
32. If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
33. Do vegetarians ever eat animal crackers?
34. Why do women open their mouths when they put on mascara?
35. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
36. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
37. If police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has a right to remain silent?
38. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
39. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
40. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
41. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
42. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
43. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
44. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
45. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
46. When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
47. Why do they call it a TV Set when you only get one?
48. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
49. What happens if you can't remember where you planted your forget-me-nots?
50. What does a compass do at the North Pole?
51. How do they get deer to cross the roads at those yellow signs?
52. Why do they call it "raising" a building when they tear it down?
53. When an alarm sounds, why do we say it goes "off"?
54. Why do elevators go down?
55. Why is quicksand so slow?
56. Why do packages of circus peanuts include nutritional facts?
57. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
58. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have Chapter 11?
59. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
60. Where are Preparations A-G?
61. If knees bent backwards, what would chairs look like?
62. When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
63. How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
64. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
65. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
66. Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
67. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
68. Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
69. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
70. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
71. Why do light switches say on/off? When it is on you can see it is on and when it is off you can't see to read?
72. Does a goose get people bumps?
73. Who invented the dickey? And Why?
74. Why do they call it evaporated milk if it's still there when you open the can?
75. Who decides it's "I" before "E" except after "C"?
76. Why do umpires always turn around to sweep off home plate?
77. If we smoke in smoking jackets, and we sleep in sleeping bags, what do we do in wind breakers?
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" ----- Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1.) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2.) A day without sunshine is like, night.
3.) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4.) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5.) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6.) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7.) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8.) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9.) I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10.) Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11.) Remember half the people you know are below average.
12.) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13.) Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14.) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15.) He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16.) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17.) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19.) I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20.) I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21.) Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22.) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23.) My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24.) Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25.) The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26.) Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27.) When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28.) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29.) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30.) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31.) For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32.) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
33.) Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34.) No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35.) Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36.) The colder the x-ray tables the more of your body is required on it.
37.) The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38.) The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39.) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40.) To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41.) How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
42.) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43.) Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44.) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45.) The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47.) Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48.) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
49.) Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
50.) Get a new car for your wife... It'll be a great trade!
Politically Correct About Men
Politically Correct About Men
1. He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
3. He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
4. He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
5. He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
6. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
7. He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
8. He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
9. He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
10. He does not constantly talk about cars; HE HAS A VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
11. He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
12. He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.
13. He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
14. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY
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